Turning a Corner

It won't happen if you're not moving. It won't happen if you're not trying. It won't happen if you're not paying attention to the light and the source from which it emanates.

I have determined to take a new approach. If it doesn't light up my path, I choose not to travel that way. There is enough elucidation available, there are voices that speak to my heart, there is consolation that comes through with enough clarity to light the next steps. Then when it is time to determine another direction (if that is indeed necessary—sometimes all that is required is to persist on our current course), we will be led in the way we should go.

This is my faith; this is what I have lived. I joyously proclaim that there are indeed righteous individuals who have qualified themselves for the privilege of seeing around corners. And there are those who can bear piercing witness of their abilities. Both voices are needed; neither is diminished by the presence of the other.

https://speeches.byuh.edu/prophets-can-see-around-corners

Twenty Days Ago

 It was 20 days ago that my world changed. It was a Tuesday. I fell and lost track of where I was. And unseen things happened in my head which seemed to have an impact way beyond what would be expected. We might call it the lost 20 days except that there is no guarantee that we will stop counting at 20.

And that is frightening to me. We are entering uncharted territory. Only the last time I remember writing that was a referral to my husband’s cognitive decline. This is affecting me.

Tasks I once viewed as elementary have become frustratingly challenging. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember how to connected to a ZOOM broadcast. And I cried about the lost connection time when I could have learned something from someone else.

I’m not in so much pain physically as I am mentally. And yet there is still some physical pain. How long before my shoulder will be back to normal? How long before I will be able to remember what used to be a normal procedure?

And yet, from what I am hearing, I’m not the only one to go through this. There are those who have come out the other side to the point where they can remember the before and the after and something of the process in between. I yearn to experience that!

The story I wanted to share today was about Brother Hugh Nibley. He served as an intelligence operative during World War II. On his way home, he lost his identification papers. 

That half-remembered story brings back the anxiety of not being able to prove who you are through external evidence. But as I struggle with the ability to remember my basic identity, the fundamental experience comes back to me. Through all the cloudiness of my mind, one message comes through loud and clear. I am a member of Heavenly Father’s eternal family. Even if I cannot remember yesterday’s details, I do remember walking with Him and being needed to help out as another walked the same road. 

So until the fog dissipates and memory fills in the missing pieces, I will remember that I have an eternal connection that matters to Someone who needs me to serve. Maybe something I remember will matter to someone else who has forgotten about their past and the significance of the road now being traveled. 

And that should suffice for now.

A Freebie!

 

Technically, I should not be doing anything that stresses my brain. However, I am afraid not to write about this in case it disappears.

I have reached a sad point in the Book of Mormon. Mormon has realized that the society he knows is over. He had tried for years—maybe decades—to save his people from self-inflicted destruction. But it was now everlastingly too late.

You can hear the desperation in his words: 

16 And my soul was rent with anguish, because of the slain of my people, and I cried:

17 O ye fair ones, how could ye have departed from the ways of the Lord! O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!

18 Behold, if ye had not done this, ye would not have fallen. But behold, ye are fallen, and I mourn your loss.

19 O ye fair sons and daughters, ye fathers and mothers, ye husbands and wives, ye fair ones, how is it that ye could have fallen!

20 But behold, ye are gone, and my sorrows cannot bring your return.

21 And the day soon cometh that your mortal must put on immortality, and these bodies which are now moldering in corruption must soon become incorruptible bodies; and then ye must stand before the judgment-seat of Christ, to be judged according to your works; and if it so be that ye are righteous, then are ye blessed with your fathers who have gone before you.

22 O that ye had repented before this great destruction had come upon you. But behold, ye are gone, and the Father, yea, the Eternal Father of heaven, knoweth your state; and he doeth with you according to his justice and mercy.

How do those two elements work together—justice and mercy? Hopefully, I will make a full recovery of my mental faculties which are now flagging. It took me several minutes to remember how to indent those verses of scripture—something I should have remembered almost automatically before my injury. Will there be mercy to cover those lapses? 

There is a Protestant hymn that has come back from years long past when I was teaching myself to play it on the organ. “Trust and Obey”–there is something profound in that combination of words. We do what we can to obey, and we trust that the deficits will be made up somehow in a miraculous balance of justice and mercy, where neither side is robbed and love receives its full measure. 

I don’t know how it works, but I trust that it does. Thanks be to God!

Disruption

 Well, it happened. Something totally unexpected occurred and sent me to the hospital for a couple of days. As a result, I didn’t manage my WORDLE phone usage properly. And I started all over at ground zero. 

It had become necessary to upgrade my phone in order to support a new Apple Watch gifted to me by my husband who thought it would be a good idea. When I tried playing WORDLE on the new phone, I saw that my old account didn’t carry over and I could actually begin at 100%. But it was a funny thing... I wanted to go back to my former, flawed, less-than-100% account, I guess because it represented reality. 

It made me wonder if we will miss our old, flawed, messed-up life when it comes time to move on. I rather suspect not. In fact, I have read that people who are allowed a view of the afterlife and then told that they must return to mortality see the picking up of their old body as a burden. However, that negative is often offset by the opportunity to continue to serve family members who need them here in this sphere.

In any case, it makes me wonder how we will feel once the final race is run and the transfer is complete and irreversible. What will we miss and what will we wish we could continue? If it weren’t for promises . . .

Wordle II

 This little game has become a significant part of my life. I use it as a carrot to get my morning duties accomplished. Most often it has been a positive way to begin the day. Sometimes, it also gets the adrenaline flowing when that sixth empty row of chances shows up and I begin to chew mental nails.

I’ve noticed a penchant for wanting to ask other players what their statistics are—games played, percentage solved, winning streak. And please note, this is NOT a request that you share your statistics here! Please DON’T!

As I have thought about why I should not, it occurred to me that this is not a competition with other people. It is a competition with myself, an effort to exercise my brain for a few minutes every day. (As if figuring out genealogical puzzles of much more significance in the eternal scheme of things doesn’t stress it enough already!!!)

Each of us is an eternal individual, with unique characteristics. These include both innate strengths and weaknesses as well as differences in the kind of nurture we’ve received. Because of those almost limitless variables, is it at all useful to compare ourselves to anyone else? Similarly, we are powerless to judge another individual since we do not know all the “befores” of their lives.

No, this daily game struggle is against my own brain’s ability to analyze and postulate. And my mortal lifelong struggle is to make the very best person I can out of the material I brought with me as well as the refining my life’s experiences and choices have exerted on it.

In the final analysis, I guess my father had it right on a basic level. He told me as a fledgling teenager that the purpose of life is to leave the world a better place than it was when you entered it. If we leave a “bettered” person ourselves, that is one thing. If we have been able to contribute to the “bettering” of the people around us, that is even more worthy of rejoicing. 

I am ever so grateful that the final evaluation will be done by One who knows us intimately—the befores and the afters and the inbetweens. On behalf of all of us, I hope for a good journey through our allotted span and satisfaction in our final destination. May we play each day’s hand as well as we are able and leave the statistics to the Master.

  The WORDLE Parable I

I remember having seen them for some time—the Facebook posts where people shared a mysterious set of yellow and green squares. I had no idea what it signified.

When two of my daughters were visiting, I asked them what they knew about it. It seemed like an auspicious time to try it out since they were available to help with the acclimatization. My journal says the first game was June 9; it also states that my first loss was 10 days later.

Observing the statistics after that first loss, I noticed that my success percentage had taken a serious dive. As I have played every day since, that less-than-100% status has kind of bugged me.

With continued effort, the percentage has slowly bumped up a notch or two. But it soon occurred to me that, as diligent as I am and as hard as I try to maintain my current streak of wins, I will never again be able to attain 100%. And I feel a bit of desperation about that.

Is this not a metaphor for our mortal condition? Before each of us came to earth, I’m sure we were gung-ho about performing well in this new realm of experience. However, inevitably, each of us made some kind of a mistake along the way and lost our 100% status. And if it weren’t for the loving atonement of our Savior, we would have been doomed forever to the ranks of failure.

Can He erase our mistakes from the record? I’m not sure. Perhaps it is important that they remain as a reminder to us of lessons learned. I do know that, if we fully repent of our sins, it is promised that He and the Father will remember them no more. Interesting. Is that a choice on Their parts? (A visiting general authority once commented, Isn’t it amazing that the most powerful, the most omniscient, the wisest and smartest Being in our realm of awareness will choose to forget the sins for which His Son paid the price on the condition of our repenting and changing our lives?)

All of those mechanics pale in importance to one fact. We have the promise that the grace of the Father and the Son will ultimately fill that performance gap. All we have to do is remain faithful—stay on the covenant path and strive consistently to become more like our Father and Older Brother.

Immediately after putting this idea to paper, I had a string of 6/6 near failures. I have reassured myself that ultimate success is more important than the percentage statistics. But that is only a comfort measure. I wonder what we will think if we are able to look back and see the percentages in our daily struggles—how close we came to losing and what it was that helped us win. Or, more darkly, what mess of pottage eventually pushed us over the edge.

Just a few thoughts to help me (and maybe you) ponder a little more what we really want out of this critical Second Act of the eternal play. Onward and upward, fellow travelers!